This is a three part blog mini poetry series that I am going to be writing about.
The first of these is called "Confessions of a Skeleton." and it is referring to my past and how I wasn't able to let go of a relationship that obviously wasn't healthy for me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It eventually ended up in God showing me through friends and his word that clearly time showing me what was more to come with life and how I am to use what I learned to help others.
Hope you enjoy.
Confessions of a Skeleton.
It's 3am and I'm staring up at the ceiling fan
recollecting the patterns of my life as it spins in the never ending cycle
just waiting for the chord to be pulled so that maybe
it could just take a break.
The fabrications of reality slowly surround me,
strangling me and straining my mind as the
"Where did it go wrong?"
and, "Is it really just because?"
You see I understand slowly but these memories still hold me yet as the skeleton in my closet has lost its grip
I just can't let go.
I. Just. Can't. Let. Go.
It's ironic you see because I see you in me, and that skeleton you're holding was my life! And I embraced it with no shame!
IT WAS MINE! AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! Though... It slowly decayed in my arms leaving only the toxins for me to breathe.
Yet I'd never let go and indulge in my rotting.
Just leave me be because I just can't let go.
SO in my QUEST to GIVE IT LIFE I'd fill my heart up with LUST hoping the women naked I'd see would give my SKELETON FLESH!
I would SCREAM OUT IN ANGER hoping my WORDS could fill it's LUNGS so we could indulge in each others miseries!
And I'd HOLD ONTO FAILURES to give it EYES TO SEE ME in my SUFFERING!
AND I'D TEAR MY OWN HEART OUT OF MY CHEST! SO MAYBE JUST MAYBE FOR A BRIEF MOMENT! IT WILL COME TO LIFE!
and feel the love for me.... Just like how it used to be.
But in the end it doesn't.
SO I CRY OUT! In frustration for this tribulation is just to much to bear and I scream "WHY AREN'T YOU HERE! YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME BUT WHY AREN'T YOU HERE!"
You said "Always and forever, babe you're my one and only."
but with the blink of an eye you were gone,
and the only thing I could feel
was the cold embrace of isolation as it wrapped neglect and depression around my neck
as it dragged me to the floor.
I see you in me. I see you in me.
So as the years pass by I feel my life has been done, a successful relationship can never be won, and I embrace the fact as I'm ready to jump off that ledge.
What is there for a broken man to give
but a story of sorrow and a dead and broken heart?
"I am the man of sorrows"
It's ringing in my ears.
"I am the man of sorrows"
and the ringing is a whisper that I faintly hear.
"I AM THE MAN OF SORROWS!"
It's screaming right in front of me and what I see is a man with nailed scared hands reaching out for me.
My beloved he says! I have a purpose for you!
My Beloved he says! Just let me hold you!
MY BELOVED! He cries out as the blood drips from his reaching finger tips
I LOVE YOU!
please come back to me!
Just drop your skeleton it's the only thing between you and me.
But this skeleton is all I am! It's my emotions, my heart, my soul I cry!
as the warmth from my tears are the only thing I've felt that made me feel real
and what I have done is manifested a demon damned who is the shadow and an abomination to the man I used to be!
How!? How is it that you could possibly tell me that there is love for me?
The warmth from his eyes and the words he says ensnare my demons with wisdom and truth he says to me.
"Just have faith my son, I got you on this."
So another year passes by and I'm walking around and low and behold a girl comes around.
Still scared and afraid I keep my distance until she tells me she wants no serious business.
So FORGIVE ME I'M SHALLOW but ENTICED by CURIOSITY and knowing that this is what it will only be.....
Not knowing what would happen to me.
SHE WAS SCARED JUST LIKE ME! and the hurt made her BEAUTIFUL only something so REAL that I couldn't get enough of her!
So we'd talk and spend time getting to know one another only to realize that we weren't just afraid of each other
but that her skeleton was created in a image just like me!
But I couldn't tell her nope.
I had to be strong
but my skeleton came back
assaulting me with haunting memories
and the simple little things that made it oh so real.
She would call me a NERD! JUST LIKE HER!
Hit me on the chest! JUST LIKE HER!
make fun of my bad humor! JUST LIKE HER!
how she'd hold onto me! JUST LIKE HER!
she would kiss me! JUST LIKE HER!
she'd feel safe! JUST LIKE HER!
and she would stare into my eyes and smile!
Just. Like. Her.
But then he whispers in my ear. But she wasn't that girl.
She is NOT that GIRL.
So I throw my skeleton aside and I told her She's Beautiful.
I'd throw my pain away because she was amazing.
I'd slay my insecurities because this is how much you mean to me!
You're Beautiful on the inside and out, and YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.
I Love you.
Yet she'd just turn her head away and though I'd say anything to reassure her worth
she'd just look at me teary eyed and replied
"I'm the worst"
"I live for satisfaction and I care for no one! Yet you tell me I'm beautiful?
I've destroyed what I Love for my own desires!
But you'll say I'm amazing. Burkhardt this isn't a joke.
I WILL DESTROY YOU! she says.
Just leave me alone to hold my skeleton,
I'd be better off alone.
And I feel those warm tears rolling down my face showing me that the fabrication of reality is not a dream or escaped moment of haze
but this is the current pain I feel.
and I recognize the spinning cycle thinking that my cord would of been finally pulled isn't going to happen and I'll just have to keep spinning.
But I know what I need to do.
You're BEAUTIFUL and I'll LOVE you no matter what.
I've been to your hell and back
and I've been where you are and I couldn't get home.
This is my confession of a skeleton.
That I just couldn't let go.
and know please know just know it all with these words.
I'll Love you regardless because of the whispers I heard.
Just let go of the skeleton and I promise.
God will make you whole,
you just have to let go.
You have to let go.